Smells like teen spirit part b

Day 58

Do you feel different? This is the question that I am always asked and I really want to say yes. YES!! I want to say that I have totally found the meaning of life and I no longer worry about where that piece of blueberry cheesecake and yummy guava sorbet I had last night will end up this morning. I would love to say that I no longer walk by the Chloe store at Siam Paragon and gaze longingly at the beautiful buttery soft bags that I know, I just know would fit so perfectly under my arm. But, of course, I still am this person, I still hold onto these vices but I think what I have gained is a little bit of perspective. When asked, I've always said that I am Buddhist, never fully understanding what this meant. Before this little odyssey, my buddhism consisted of following my parents into temples, leaving my shoes at the door, sitting on my knees and bowing my head to the floor, prostrating before various large statues of serene faced buddhas. Thailand is a Buddhist country and although I've known this, I have never really seen it in such a clear way before. Yes, there are spirit houses at every residence and in front of every building - be it a 7-11 or a mega mall - and yes you will see the occasional saffron robed, bald monk walking down the street or sitting next to you on the skytrain but I didn't take it for much more than cultural scenery. I'm only beginning to learn that it runs much deeper than that, it goes so deep that I'm not sure I could extract it from the socio-cultural make-up of the people, even the ones who don't officially "subscribe". I'm not saying that I've found God/Buddha/Nirvana and that I have now seen the path to freedom etc. etc. but I do feel connected in a new way to this philosophy - outside of worship and religion. My curiousity has been peaked and for this I feel different. Rose colored glasses? maybe.
Other ways that I feel different:
I can now sit for a solid half an hour in the lotus position, without moving! On the first day, after about what felt like an hour of sitting, my eyes started to water and I felt sharp searing stabs of pain shooting up my legs. Cheating, I peaked open my eyes and looked at the clock and then I really almost started crying. 28 more minutes of this. My main thought being: Can I really break my leg by sitting on it? Or, more importantly, is it possible that it might simply just fall off?
I know what walking meditation is and what it isn't. It is not relaxing or peaceful. It does not involve noticing the beautiful clouds or the gentle breeeze or the delightful chirping of the bluebird. It is a very intense exercise in body awareness and concentration. Essentially it is just walking in a circle, but in a very difficult choreographed way.
I am now capable of eating slowly - chewing each bite 20 times with great awareness and realizing that I acutally do get full and much sooner that I think.
I can do it. I know this sounds cheesy, but really. I almost didn't make it, and I challenge you all to spend a week with yourself and see what you think about, what comes to you and how you feel "different" and you will see what a huge feat sitting still for half an hour really is.