Mothers

Day 30

Leaving tomorrow for Thailand and haven't even begun contemplating packing. Maybe I just won't. My mother is here and I am tired. Happy New Year puppies!

Other signs of aging

Day 26
I've been told that I will one day be happy that I don't look my age. That I don't even look old enough to buy my own ticket to an R-rated film. Today I experienced some growing pains. I am old. After my microdermabrasion, my facialist decided that she was going to peddle some ultra hydrating eyecream to me. I told her that I already have an eye cream (lie) but thanks just the same. She put her hand on mine and said, "Yes, but this is an extra intensive moisturizer that will minimize fine lines." Excuse me? Do I have fine lines? I guess the microderm is sign number one of oldness. Eye cream: #2. I suddenlt realized that I now whisper my age when people ask. That was just the beginning of the day.
This evening Winthrop and I dined on a grotesquely over-priced grilled cheese sandwich, which although delectable and worth the investment was total wallet rape considering my employement status. At this meal we both ordered red wine (sign #3). Midway through our meal another young couple of girlfriends sat down next to us and ordered wine for which they were carded! I have to tell you the one girl I was facing was wearing a brown ribbed turtleneck and both foundation and pressed powder. Now I'm not saying she looked forty but she was quite obviously over 21. The bigger issue here is that WE did NOT get carded(sign #4). We didn't even get so much as a hestiant glance from the waiter. The remainder of dinner was spent discussing people we know who are engaged, people we know who are married, people we know who want to get married and people we know who shouldn't. There was also a brief discussion of diamond engagement ring shapes (sign #5-10).
So I'm old. Tomorrow I am going to go to a wedding and just for shits and giggles I am going to order some shots of jager.

The amazing slow downer

Day 25

So a very good friend of mine passed along an application called the Amazing Slow Downer. It's really just for transcription purposes - for which it works wonders - but imagine what an application like that could do if applied to real life. A little known fact about the amazing slow downer is that it also will speed things up if needed. I mean seriously, it would just be a miracle! You could speed up the commute home in LA rush hour traffic and slow down your measly 45 minute lunch break. You could speed through your chatty roomate's 80th story about this one time he went to the dog park and his dog got in a scuffle and slow down the fifteen minutes he's ever out of the house. Personally, I would speed up my quarter life crisis at the moment but the second I fall madly and deliciously in love (again) I'm going to slam on the slow down button. It's so willy wonka meets steve jobs meets dolly the cloned sheep right?

Reality check

Day 24

T-minus 7 days till departure and I don't know why but I am feeling completely indifferent. Yes I am very excited to go to Thailand for the first time in four years and see my family who will undoubtely alert me to the fact that I gained weight since the last time I've seen them. This will be delivered cheerfully and in a matter of fact way - which is exactly what it is. A matter of Fact. Still, who wants to have the obvious pointed out to them. They don't ever say - Hey, your hair is still brown and your eyes squinty.They dont ever day - You personality is so winning! They don't ever say - Wow, that color makes your skin look amazing. These are all matters of fact. I know that there is nothing I can do in the next seven days that will solve this problem.Yes, of course I am aware that a 7 day juice fast can work wonders but I would like to leave my friends with the impression that,in general, I am a pleasant person to be around. So I have decided to stop beating myself up for all the things I'm not and accept the person I am: A frankenstein pepperoni pizza face who wears elastic waist pants.

An ode

Day 21

Oh alcohol, I renounce you
Oh winsome friend and perilous foe

You bring such fascinating conversation
To all you impart a beautiful glow
Oh Ketel one and Jacks a plenty
You have brought me many moments of clarity

But they are short lived and always wrong
Come morning when your pain
so vile and punishing
Can only be relieved by the truest of friends:

Huevos Rancheros with a double side of hash browns

Confessions of a wannabe drama queen

Day 20

I'm afraid that I have portrayed things incorrectly which I am wont to do on occasion. My sister is not the grouch that I have painted her to be. In fact quite the opposite and her kind words of support and advice have be grossly misinterpreted. She is quite a bit more fun and exciting than I am and you would be lucky if she started a blog about her daily antics. Although I secretly hope that she doesn't because that would render my blog completely irrelevant. More so than it already is of course.

That being said, a word about the GG's. As much as I'd like to sit here and poop on it - I have to say that it was a very long but fun-filled evening of gratuitous celebrity gawking. You all know that one of my very best talents is sniffing out the celebrity at any given coffee shop/drugstore/cafe/Home Depot so I was obviously in system overload working the VIP section at my alma mater's excellent party. That's the funny thing about celebrity parties - after you see Teri Hatcher sashaying her hips with her arms over head smiling big and looking around the Wire Image cameraman for the fifteenth time it sort of stops being thrilling and enters a new realm entirely. Also when you are being beckoned by not the sisters Hilton but actually their heavily made-up hanger-on friend to bring them drinks and please please some food. I believe the words, "Please they're so hungry" were used. To which I responded, "Yes I can see that." Then in a very humbling moment, I scurried (yes, I did) off to both the buffet and the bar to fetch sustenance for the sisters. I can only take some small pleasure in knowing that I saw P.H. stuff two skewers of chicken in her mouth at once shortly followed by a lambchop. It was brilliant and greasy. Another moment of disillusionment: Jimmy Fallon has orange hair fashioned in a very unfortunate mullet way. Although it could have just appeared that way from my angle.

To conclude: I enjoyed my run as a celebrity drone and I know that most people will never have the chance to say that they watched Ryan Phillipe do the jig while Reese talked on her sidekick five feet away from them. Or that they stood right next to Mariah and her entourage drinking straight from the bottle of Cristal, not Mimi just her entourage. For that I am thankful and for all the great people who I worked with who thought that I could do this again. Holla ISLA!

Pretty People

Day 17

are the reasons for my lack of post yesterday. Pretty skinny shellacked people with expensive teeth and tits. I will elaborate more on this tomorrow I swear but at the moment I am nursing my very sore balls of the feet with a soak in the tub and my very sore ego with a carton of Ben y Jerrys. Like they say, If you can't beat em. eat em.

Road bump

Day 15

I am feeling guilty. But I really stuck with it for a lot longer than I expected... I'm usually about a 2 day dieter at best and I didn't think I'd make the everyday posting last longer than the first week. Still, I feel guilty and a failure. I am sniffling in self pity right now but my sister has kindly reminded me that nobody wants to hear what I have to say everyday because it's boring. I'm trying not to take that as a You are Boring accusation. But I know I am usually. In my defense I have been mildly drunk every night I haven't written and I wish I had more to say about these evenings. Really the main highlight was a narrow escape from Benitos death. Actually I lied. Lasst night I wasn't drunk. I watched Some Kind of Wonderful on HBO in my bathrobe and I do hope that some of you find that interesting otherwise I owe my sister five bucks.

I hate change

But because all of you are so afraid of sending your info out into the internet abyss (it's not like it asks for your SSN), I have changed my comment settings for you, so you better comment because I am not going to suffer the spam lightly.

Don't laugh

Day 10

Am watching Felicity and I likey

The things we say and do

Tonight over dessert a very special friend worried aloud that she thought she was to forever be seen as a background person. although I am not quite sure what she meant by this I told her what has made me feel better in moments of self doubt.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" -e.r.

Close Range

Day 8

Today started off with a slight hangover and the realization that I had indeed slept in my contacts. Nothing a little melted brie, tomato and croissant breakfast with a good pal can't fix. Chloe's is definitely a new favorite place I will have to remember if I ever live in SF. I finally watched Brokeback Mountain today and now I've been left in a very melancholy mood. I will say that I'm still a solid book person, meaning I will always stand by the old adage: The book was better. In this case the short story. I am constantly amazed by the power a few words can effect. The movie was sad but the story is tragic and I remember crying when I read it. I didn't cry today, although my heart was a little heavy. I was more distracted by the unbelievable hottness of Heath Ledger and the random movie-goer who had crazy uncontrollable eruptive gas.

Spun

Day 7

Went spinning this morning. Unfortunately I am not refering to that special alocoholic late-night effect. Quite the opposite actually. It looked like this: eccentric Spanish instructor named Javier dressed in a red spandex suspendor-shorts get up that would make Mr. Barnum green with envy gyrating to a techo version of Oh my Darling on a stationary bike. Being pelted by the sweat flying off his arms when he waved them to the music was one thing but it's quite another to be biking in the direct sightline of the very clearly defined spandex sihlouette of his twig and berries. Spandex - not for everyone. I'm willing to forgive it on the beaches of Ipanema but not here, not at 9:30 am on a rainy Saturday.

Voices

Day 6

"I gave myself up so completely to present desires and pleasures that I had no energy to waste on mere wishful thinking." - Simone de Beauvoir

Where the apple falls

Day 5

Is it nature not nurture or is like father like son? I hate to admit that the more time I spend with my parents the more I notice that the things I do and say that are so clearly a reiteration of them. So I'm watching the Dog Whisperer tonight which is a far cry from The Stud, but I am getting old and considering my lack of income this is pretty good entertainment. I love this show. Maybe because Charlie has a huge napoleon complex and maybe because he seems to be the only living miracle worker I have ever witnessed. Charlie went Kujo on a couple of dogs today- seriously, like throaty gutteral snarls and lunges at the jugular. Thank god he's only twelve pounds so most people find him amusing. It doesn't hurt that his teeth are about as sharp as marbles but he doesn't know that. So you know what they say about people and their pets how they somehow begin to resemble one another over time. I'm wondering what that says about me. Like Charlie, I am obsessed with food and can sometimes gather up enough hunger momentum to inhale my food like he does. Like Charlie I get very sleepy after I eat and feel uncontrollable urges to recline on the couch for long periods after meals. Like Charlie I am wary of strangers. I have never gone for the jugular but perhaps I just haven't met the right guy.

Precious Moments

Day 4

This is Randy. I have a better photo but sister hasn't emailed it to me yet. I met Randy last night at a weekly event called Trannyshack. Apparently this show at The Stud has been voted best Drag show in town by every news rag worth reading (150 words or less) and I will have to concurr. I noticed Randy right when I walked into the bar just before I was mesmerized by the overhead tv's playing home made gay porn. It was his loverly stache that caught my eye. Now when I say that I met Randy last night I mean that I knelt on a wine barrell in the back of a very crowded venue craning my neck to watch him and a slew of other very talented trannies (who actually look like trannies) perform very elaborately choreographed karaoke numbers. When I say I met Randy I mean I watched him get a rim job on stage by a complete stranger. It is truly amazing what seven dollars will get you these days.

Failure to launch

Day 3

I've already missed a day. Ok so I set myself up for this I know. I'm amazed that I am able to finish anything outside of a meal. But what's that they say about not succeeding? Try try again. So I will write twice today to make up for yesterday's failure. I acutally had several failures yesterday. I failed to take my antibiotic with food which then left me wishing for the mercy of death and holding down vomit with every ounce of willpower in me. I then tried to make myself a hearty artichoke, mushroom and fennel soup that my sister and I salivated over on Molto Mario. It turned out to be much less of a soup and more of an olive oil spill in a moat of tomato sauce with small molehills of brown artichoke. Maybe I should re-think this culinary school idea. I failed to leave the house before dark but the day definitely ended on a high note. A High Life note actually. Sometimes there is nothing better than sipping the champagne of beers with your siblings. Curry-Powder-Hot.

Brave New Year

Day 1

I had big plans for this first post of the rest of my life and I was hoping that I would feel better at the end of today than I did at the beginning but of course I don't so I will have to condense this into a few not so good lines. I wanted to reinstate the beverge count and I probably could but it would really just be a long list of progressively more repulsive mixtures of champagne, vodka, and vitamin water. I will say that there is nothing better than getting smashed with one's family especially when it includes a father-daughter version of The Snake dance. Memories.